Are you too good for him? More than likely. The first sign is that you looked this up. So clearly you suspect this to be so. I'm going to go ahead and say your instincts are probably on point. In any case, I will still provide you with a few insights as to why that might be.
I mean a real job. One that pays. I don't care if he is an artist or a writer. Maybe he
has a startup he's trying to get off the ground. Or he's a tech genius awaiting a patent
for the next amazing device that is going to have us all standing in line for
twenty-four hours just to watch the first live demonstration.
These are all
respectable lines of work. The problem is that not everyone who labels themselves as
such is actually able to make a living doing it.
Is he actually creating art and receiving payment for doing so? Is his writing getting him a weekly paycheck or at least an advance that will float him through his creative process? Does his startup have funding? Does the tech have a company backing it? You see where I'm going with this right?
It's one thing for him to say he is a self-starting professional setting out to achieve A, B & C; but it's another for him to be sitting at the "home office" he set up in his spare bedroom, and be sending out feelers while you're at work all day busting your butt. Of course, there are a lot of professions that take time to build. Goals aren't just achieved overnight. But he can't be draining both your emotional and financial support. He should be able to take care of himself. This means finding a way to supplement income while he's working away on his dreams. If he is sitting home all day, making a mess he is too busy to clean up because he's focused on his creative process, but for some reason doesn't have a single sentence to show for himself while you're working hard- then this guy is not worth your free time.
Please tell me he's not crashing with you. He says he has an apartment, but have you
actually seen it?
He needs to have a place of his own. Maybe there are roommates,
fine. As long as those roommates aren't his parents. Please tell me he is not still
living at home. If he is out there on his own, is he actually pulling this off himself?
Hopefully, his parents aren't footing his bills on a monthly basis.
If he does
have his own place, roommates or no- it should be clean.
Does he take care of his home, his space? If his things are important to him, his lifestyle, then it should show. A person's hygiene isn't just personal and body related. It shows how they maintain the space in which they live, breathe and eat. If he is incapable of keeping a clean home, then how can you expect him to help you with such things when you move in together. That's the end game here, right?
Well, you need someone who values these things for themselves in order to be able to provide them to you. And again, this is based on me assuming that he has own place. If he is currently living with you, did he have his own place before? If he's living at home or living like he's homeless, then I think you better put up a clear sign that says NO VACANCY.
So maybe he does have a job that pays on a regular and consistent basis. Maybe he does
have an apartment that his parents do not help pay for. Great! This doesn't mean he is
good with his money though. You definitely need to consider this. Debt is very personal.
Not everyone likes to discuss financial matters such as this. It is important that it is
being managed though.
A responsible adult should be making a conscious effort to
pay down their debt rather than adding to it. It's really hard to know these things
about a person, and maybe it's for them to sort out. That is fine if you don't become
entangled in that debt down the line. If it handled separately, that is commendable.
It's a lot easier to know how someone is with their money on the surface. What are his
spending habits like when you are together?
A few notable things would be if he is taking a lot of trips, or going out every night with his friends. Maybe he has vices that he funnels money into. If you are noticing new items around his house every time you go over, it's possible he is spending recklessly online. Perhaps he is spoiling you, dropping money on things you don't need. Always paying the bill for your dates. This seems like a wonderful gesture, but you need to make sure it doesn't get out of control.
My main concern here is what will happen when you blend your finances together. You want to make sure he is responsible, and not reckless with your money, or joint savings you may wish to put toward your future. You shouldn't be worried that your relationship will cost you.
He shouldn't be overwhelmed all the time. If he is putting off important tasks to the last minute, then calling you to cancel plans or ask for your help, it can really drain you- or cause you undue stress. What are his priorities like? He shouldn't be putting his social activities above his responsibilities. Sure, everyone needs a break; but if he is out all hours of the night and then unable to deliver on his commitments for the next day, that's a huge problem. People with poor time management are unreliable. They also come across as though they do not respect your time. If he is not motivated or reliable, you're going to find yourself pulling more weight than you should in order to get things done. Speaking of your role here, does he set aside time for you, and for his family? If he is not going to make time for you or blow it off when he does, then you shouldn't be making time for him.
Well, so far it's either "no's" across the board, which is an automatic fail in this category; or perhaps so far so good. In that case, wonderful! Though there are a few more responsibilities to consider here. Aside from work, money, and time, we can touch back to that homelife and explore it a bit more. It's one thing to clean, but maintenance is more than that. Is he keeping on top of things that need doing? Maybe he's not the handiest. Fine. He should at least be capable of calling in someone to do repairs. Letting things like this slide for too long can lead to serious irreparable damage over time. This should apply to his vehicle too. What about family? Does he have kids? Parents or even grandparents he should be looking in on? He shows up when he's needed, right? I shouldn't have to de-code this one for you. You want a stand-up guy who does what he has to and doesn't complain about it. You don't need someone that is might run in the other direction at the first sign of trouble. If that's the case, maybe you should be the one running.
If you are someone that works at your relationship, as well as on yourself, then the most infuriating thing is being with someone who couldn't care less. A partnership is 50/50. You can't be doing all the giving and watching him take, take, take. It's bullshit. It makes you feel small. He needs to put an effort in to show you that he cares. That you are worth it to him. That doesn't mean simply being agreeable, and at most, putting your plans into action. It means being able to think for himself and come up with his own. You want to know that you and your relationship exist at the forefront of his mind, otherwise, it shouldn't be existing in yours.
He should appreciate you and show you how much you mean on a regular basis. Actions speak louder than words in most cases, but it's also important for him to acknowledge it too. Especially for those strong silent types. You know the ones- men of very few words. He needs to tell you how he feels. One of the most important things in any relationship is communication. In addition to that, is he someone who can offer you emotional support? You need to be able to go to him when you need someone to lean on. He should be able to provide you with patience and understanding. Support is something everyone needs, along with attention, devotion, and loyalty. You may be an independent woman who can take care of herself, but there are times when you need to have someone else step in and take the reigns. Other ways to know if he is treating you well is if he is simply making you happy on a daily basis. Kindness. He should be the one sure thing that takes the stress away, not the one causing it. When there are problems, he should tap into that supportive, patient way of communication. He should not be aggressive. No yelling, making something out of nothing. He should not be hurting you physically or emotionally. You should never feel like you are walking on eggshells. If you do, then this is not the guy for you.
He must be a good person if he has people in his life who adore him, right? Maybe they don't see the way he treats you. Or maybe they do and they turn a blind eye. Perhaps some of them buy into his reasoning behind the things he does. I don't know about this. I understand how it's easy to think that so many people can't be wrong. But you shouldn't have to be the one to adjust your thinking on this. Watch how he interacts with them. A bad guy can still be surrounded by people, but if you look closely, you can see how they really feel. A surefire sign that you need to get out of it, is if his friends or family are similar to him. It ends up being a toxic circle of excusing or encouraging bad behavior. If he and his circle act like he is the one who is too good for you, go ahead and let them think that. Cut your losses and move on knowing the truth.
Let's talk about the language of love. As women, we can be very patient and understanding. Some of us are almost too "glass half full". So he has all these other things going for him, right? He's a real catch. Everyone seems to like him. He would make a great partner in life. Then it turns out, he's not so great in bed. No need to sound the alarms yet. There is a learning curve in every new sexual relationship. You need to get on the same page with what each other likes. But if time goes by, and he is not learning how to work with you, then it's possible that the chemistry just isn't there. You need to realize that staying with someone that you can't enjoy real intimacy with is actually settling. Settling = You are too good for him!
Are you too good for him? More than likely. The first sign is that you looked this up. I'm going to go ahead and say your instincts are probably on point.
